Felix: You don't know what it's like to be rejected and treated like a common criminal !
Ralph: ...Yes, I do. That's every day of my life.
~ Wreck it Ralph
At first, I was completely against the idea, based on previous experiences with other students in the youth group. But, after talking with my parents, praying over it a LOT, I decided to go ahead and audition, feeling it was something the Lord was calling me to do. I was pleased and slightly nervous to learn that they wanted me to join. I have grown in my confidence and self image as a child of God greatly, and have also improved my violin improv skills.
However, I was slightly taken aback when, one of the older girls approached me (outside of church) and asked if 'I was the girl who sang onstage.' After I replied that I was 'the one and only,' she continued to ask me questions of the same nature. I was surprised by the question: "Did you recently start attending this church?" To which I replied "umm... I've been attending for over two years." She followed that up with something about not noticing me.
This sparked a thousand questions in my mind. Questions that I'd had before, but shoved away. Suddenly re-affirmed, they flooded to the forefronts of my mind.
Is it me? Is it my fault? Is there something about me that just makes me invisible? Do people just not... like me?
Like floodgates giving way, I was flabbergasted. I began doubting myself, saying, is it worth it? Why am I putting myself on stage, to recieve 'judgement' from these people who never even noticed my existence?
Do any of them even know what it is like to walk into a room and have everyone stare at you, with no hint of kindness? Or for them to look away and ignore you, like you are some sort of disease? To sit by yourself while everyone else is laughing and cracking jokes three seats away? Do they even care if you are there?
Yet, a small voice that wasn't mine crept in too. It repeated over and over: What about Me? Am I enough? What about Me? Am I enough?
When I finally listened, it continued: Your main concern isn't them. It's Me. Focus on Me, and I will take care of you. I should be enough for you. Let them go and hold my hand. Stop caring about their judgement and worry about mine.
Instantaneously, my fears, doubts, cries, and tears were qualmed, as I remembered the Lord and His promises. He will never let me go, and my main concern is not what others think of me, its what HE thinks of me.
I continue to delight myself in the Lord, crucifying fleshly desires to be 'popular' and striving for holy desires. I would rather be like Christ than be popular any day. It is a long, hard road. I feel like I'm just stumbling my way around sometimes. But I know he's got a plan, and I know these daily experiences are testing and preparing me for the rest of my life.
I will not cause pain
without allowing something new to be born,
sayeth the Lord.
(Is. 66:9 NCV)