Is it me?

Felix: You don't know what it's like to be rejected and treated like a common criminal ! 

Ralph: ...Yes, I do. That's every day of my life.

~ Wreck it Ralph

I've recently started singing in the student band at my church, and I've enjoyed the fellowship with the other members immensely. I play my violin and sing... which also means I have to get on stage. In front of people.

ahem.

At first, I was completely against the idea, based on previous experiences with other students in the youth group. But, after talking with my parents, praying over it a LOT,  I decided to go ahead and audition, feeling it was something the Lord was calling me to do. I was pleased and slightly nervous to learn that they wanted me to join. I have grown in my confidence and self image as a child of God greatly, and have also improved my violin improv skills. 

However, I was slightly taken aback when, one of the older girls approached me (outside of church) and asked if 'I was the girl who sang onstage.' After I replied that I was 'the one and only,' she continued to ask me questions of the same nature. I was surprised by the question: "Did you recently start attending this church?" To which I replied "umm... I've been attending for over two years." She followed that up with something about not noticing me.

This sparked a thousand questions in my mind. Questions that I'd had before, but shoved away. Suddenly re-affirmed, they flooded to the forefronts of my mind. 

Is it me? Is it my fault? Is there something about me that just makes me invisible? Do people just not... like me?

Like floodgates giving way, I was flabbergasted. I began doubting myself, saying, is it worth it? Why am I putting myself on stage, to recieve 'judgement' from these people who never even noticed my existence? 

Do any of them even know what it is like to walk into a room and have everyone stare at you, with no hint of kindness? Or for them to look away and ignore you, like you are some sort of disease? To sit by yourself while everyone else is laughing and cracking jokes three seats away? Do they even care if you are there?

Yet, a small voice that wasn't mine crept in too.  It repeated over and over: What about Me? Am I enough? What about Me? Am I enough?

When I finally listened, it continued: Your main concern isn't them. It's Me. Focus on Me, and I will take care of you. I should be enough for you. Let them go and hold my hand. Stop caring about their judgement and worry about mine. 

Instantaneously, my fears, doubts, cries, and tears were qualmed, as I remembered the Lord and His promises. He will never let me go, and my main concern is not what others think of me, its what HE thinks of me.  

I continue to delight myself in the Lord, crucifying fleshly desires to be 'popular' and striving for holy desires. I would rather be like Christ than be popular any day. It is a long, hard road. I feel like I'm just stumbling my way around sometimes. But I know he's got a plan, and I know these daily experiences are testing and preparing me for the rest of my life. 

I will not cause pain

 without allowing something new to be born, 

sayeth the Lord. 

(Is. 66:9 NCV)

I sought the Lord,

 and he answered me 

He delivered me from ALL my fears. 

(Ps. 34:4 ESV)

For I am the Lord your God

    who takes hold of your right hand

and says to you, Do not fear;

    I will help you. 

(Is. 41:13 NIV)

Robot

Do you ever feel like your life is living you, instead of vice-versa? That was this week for me. Lots of things going on, with moving parts and no real plan. Which, of course means, no control. And just in case you don't know about me, I looove to be in control. When I'm not, my fleshly desires go crazy, craving the upper hand.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad week. I just went through the motions. Read my Bible. Do school. Practice orchestra music. Go to wherever is on the schedule. Come home. Practice (more) music. Read Bible again. Bedtime. And then at 7 am I would drag myself out of bed, get dressed, and start over.

The problem was that I wasn't revitalized each morning when I awoke. My prayer life, stagnant and pushed away, became one more moment that I could close my eyes and breathe. As my week went on, I slept less and stressed more, about orchestra, upcoming events, school, exams... you name it. Peace of mind was nowhere in sight.

That moment when you have a 847561 thoughts running through your head at the same time is incredibly overwhelming, and totally unreal. And when finally your week is over and those thoughts are too exausted to run through your head.... you are so exhausted that you can do nothing. Can't eat, sleep, relax, or get any work done. Just think about your crazy week....

So how did I get out of the funk? How did I break the cycle?

I dragged my barely-functional self out of bed and committed myself to something. Together, with my family, we worked together to bless dear friends. It was hard work, and I'm even more exhausted, but for the first time in a week, I slept soundly last night, my spirit at rest. It's amazing what serving the Lord does, not only for others, but for you as well! Instead of finishing my weekend laying around the house, moping about the week, I used it for His glory.

A robotic week ended with a surprising, yet refreshing twist -- just what I needed. Although physically tired, my spirit is revitalized and excited to be serving our Creator.

Praises:
~ A solid 'quintet' performance that came together rather shakily, yet was a sucess!

~ Sweet friends that pray for you!

~ My concertmaster -- he willingly gave up his lunch-break to help me with some stressful music!

~TeenPact is in NINE days! CANNOT WAIT!

Prayers:
~ National Latin Exam is on Monday... struggling to use my time wisely and to trust in the Lord for the rest!

~ Dear friends who are struggling in a lot of different areas. 

~Sickness in the household and at school -- praying for health and healing!

Unwanted Prompting

  I went to church today... Like always. But today, I was astounded at what I saw.

I sat in our youth center and watched the teens wander in and out the main room. They talked to each other, played on their phones, sipped on soda, so on and so forth. I watched as about eight sixth grade girls entered the room and sat in the middle of the room. They carried expensive purses, held the latest smartphone, and wore the trendiest styles.

Except one. We'll call her girl #1.

She wore a homemade dress with blue and yellow sunflowers on it. Underneath, she wore a turtleneck sweater and striped tights, topped off with a neon pick and black bulky parka. Okay, so she wasn't that fashionable, but that was no reason to be treated like dirt.

As her peers sat down, Girl # 1 slid past most of them and stopped to talk with one of the other girls. The recipient of her attention, girl # 2, put her hands on her head, stared at the floor, and groaned in an annoyed voice: "Please, just sit down and stop talking to me." So the girl obeyed, sitting next to the annoyed one, who turned her whole body away and complained to the other girls how annoyed she was. A few minutes later, girl # 3 walked through the doors, over to the group, and demanded that girl # 1 move so she could sit next to girl # 2. Flustered, Girl #1 moved, getting  up and leaving the whole row, moving to another section where other 6th graders sat.

To my amazement, they also got up and moved several chairs down, and picked up their phones, completely ignoring this heartbroken girl. She sat there with her head down, probably embarrassed and ashamed that she had been rejected.

As I sat, about two rows back from her, I was puzzled, not really sure what my role was in this story. I watched this episode play out and although I felt pity for girl #1, I wasn't sure if I should do anything. I had talked with girl # 1 on a few occasions as strictly aquaintinces, and I knew that she could get... a bit long winded over random things. It could, and often did, get annoying and awkward.

But that didn't excuse me from not doing anything, right? I mean, Jesus probably talked to annoying people with not much social discernment, right in between the prostitutes and tax collectors, right?

After a few minutes of inner debating, I felt myself rise up out of my chair and start walking toward her. Woah! What are you doing? Where are you going? Do you really want to do this? A voice in my head screamed at me as I was walking toward this poor girl. Nevertheless, I pushed the voice out and sat down next to her, saying, Hi Girl #1! The sunflowers on your dress are super cool... and straightened my skirt, while everyone in the three surround rows turned and looked at me like I was so weird for talking to her.

I ignored them and listened to her chatter on about her classmates at church who had broken their phones and blamed it on her, and stole her stuff. And then about parakeets, weird brothers, and oysters.

It got awkward.

But afterwords, I was glad I went and sat with her. I just couldn't help but feel like the thing that happened to her had happened to me.

Because it had.

Although I wasn't blamed for vandalism and made fun of for my attire, I have been socially ostracized for our family's stance as strict conservative homeschoolers. Although I am not ashamed of my upbringing, it is especially discouraging when the people in your church judge and discriminate against you for little things, like a habit of talking, or why in the world you don't really watch reality tv.

Even though it was an awkward situation, I had a feeling that I might have made an impact on her life. If an older girl had come up and complimented me on my hair, or asked how my thanksgiving was when I was in a similar situation, it probably would have made my week. But, no one did that for me, so, I want to do it for her.

Maybe when she is a sophomore, and sees her younger sister, biological or biblical, struggling in a situation concerning her beliefs, she will have the courage to stand up and say a kind word.

For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, for it is the salvation of everyone who believes.
Romans 1:16

Stop Stifling.

Rejoice Always!

Pray Constantly.

Give thanks in Everything,

for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Don’t stifle the Spirit.

 Don’t despise prophecies,

 but test all things.

Hold on to what is good.

 Stay away from every kind of evil.

1 Thess. 5:16-22

I feel like I could go on forever about our Lord and His ways to communicate with us. Recently I was watching a movie, and randomly realized that I had not read my Bible for the past several days. Ashamed, I turned off the movie, ready to read as much as I needed to in order to 'appease' my conscience. 

 I am well aware that I shouldn't read my Bible just because I am supposed to, but because I want to. The truth of the matter was that I simply wasn't making time in my daily life to pray deeply and mediate in His Word. So I pulled out my highlighter and Bible and flipped to that days proverb. I was just planning to start there and continue, reading some of the psalms, gospels, pauls epistles, etc. However, I only got as far as the first few verses of the proverb before my plans changed.

An issue I had been struggling with for the past several days was solved immediately. I mean, I had known what I needed to do, but my pride kept me from following through. I was planning on a, 'whoops! forgot all about that! Sorry God!' type of attitude to solve the problem, but I couldn't get it out of my mind. In church the Sunday previous, we read the above verses. The impact of those verses and the proverb caused me to change my attitude and repent.

Not only is my spirit at rest, but my pride was knocked down a couple notches. Honestly, I am totally okay with it. If there is a moral to this story, it probably falls along the lines of: Stop stifling the spirit that was gifted to you by the Lord. Instead, use it to help direct you in a path to glorify Him.

Only You.

Who but You
Could breathe and leave a trail of galaxies
And dream of me?

What kind of love
Is writing my story till the end
With Mercy's Pen?
Only You.

What kind of King
Would choose to wear a crown
that bleeds and scars
To win my heart.

What kind of Love
Tells me I'm the reson He can't stay
Inside the grave

You.
Is it You?
Standing here before my eyes
Every part of my heart cries.

Alive, Alive
Look what Mercy's overcome
Death has lost and Love has won!

Alive, Alive
Halleujah, Risen Lord
the only one I fall before

I am His
because He is
Alive.

Who could speak
and send the demons back from where they came
with just one name?

what other heart
would let itself be broken every time
until he healed mine?

you. only you
could turn my darkness into dawn
running right into your arms

alive, alive
Look what Mercy's overcome
Death has lost and Love has won!

alive, alive!
Halleujah, Risen Lord
the only one i fall before

i am His
because He is

Emmanuel, the promised king
the baby who made angels sing
son of man who walked with us
healing, breathing in our dust

the author of all history
the answer to all mysteries
the lamb of God who rolled away
the stone in front of every grave.


alive, alive
Look what Mercy's overcome
Death has lost and Love has won!

Halleujah

I am His
because He is
Alive

He Who has Ears, Let Him Listen...

Jesus always said these words when He had something important to say. If Jesus said something twice, the apostles knew it was important.

The past few months, I have been listening for what God has to say to me. Sometimes he reveals his Will through other people, my bible study, my family and friends, my bible reading, and my personal prayer time. The past few weeks, it has been revealed through my Ipod.

**
Let me explain.
**

After reading my Bible at night, I was setting my morning alarm on my Ipod, and my finger accidentally hit my Bible app. Just as I was about to close it out and go back to my mundane nightly routine, the verse of the day popped up on the screen. It was exactly the same verse that had popped out at me in my Bible reading 15 minutes earlier. And it was exactly what I needed to hear.

Now faith is the reality of what is hoped for, and the proof of what has not been seen. 

Hebrews 11:1

Positive that God was speaking to me, I wrote it down and put it on my mirror. Every morning when I woke up and looked in the mirror, I saw the verse, and prayed that God would show me his faithfulness, and that I would have the faith to trust in His Will. 

Less than a month later, I had learned a huge lesson through that verse. A lesson of contentment that I will never forget. A lesson about appreciating the small things, and the value of spending time with my family. 

Last night, I changed the background on my Ipod to Romans 12:12 which says:

Rejoice in hope, be patient in affliction and be persistent in prayer.

As I ended my Bible reading, my finger jumped and hit my Bible app. It opened up, and right there, Romans 12:12 stared back at me. 

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to learn this time, but every time I open up my homescreen and pray 

"Lord, help me rejoice in hope, be patient in trouble, and pray no matter what."

Election Day 2012

I look up to the mountains—

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

    who made heaven and earth!

 He will not let you stumble;

    the one who watches over you will not slumber.

 Indeed, he who watches over Israel

    never slumbers or sleeps.

 The Lord himself watches over you!

    The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.

The sun will not harm you by day,

    nor the moon at night.

 The Lord keeps you from all harm

    and watches over your life.

 The Lord keeps watch over you as you come and go,

    both now and forever.

Psalms 121

The presidential election is quickly coming to a close. 

The day is rapidly ending, and along with it, an era. 

With Romney, a new term will begin. New leadership, new ideas, new expectations. 

With Obama, his final term will begin, and he will prove whether or not our country is really moving  "forward" or if it's exactly the opposite. 

 For Christians, it is very easy to be worried about the election, and what will happen to our nation. No matter who gets elected, God is sovereign and he has it all under control. 

All of it.

 Not just some, but all of it. 

So as my family and I watch the results roll in, a deep feeling of peace and assurance fill my soul. God is on our side, and he will always watch over us, both now and forever. 

Trust in the Lord with all you heart,

and lean not on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge HIM,

and HE will keep your paths straight. 

Proverbs 3:5-6